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In a recent exchange in Google+, a poster said, “… simply, slow and steady (in making a relationship) = a right life”
To which my reply was:
Imagine what it would be like to meet someone just like you deep inside. Imagine what it would be like to suddenly run into your heart and soul twin.
Would it take long to get to know her? No. Because she has the same thoughts, feelings, hopes, spirit, dreams, it would be like you already know her. That sudden meeting would reveal a connection that you two had always shared.
Imagine how fast that relationship would go. Nothing to learn, just deep easy, uber harmonious connection. That’s the natural affinity that Gibran wrote about.
I also used to think that slow and steady was the way, but it’s not. We’ve been doing that for 50 years and it doesn’t work. An author of a recent relationship book said that 50% of the couples are divorced, and of the remaining 50% of married couples, one third are unhappy, one third are happy enough, and only one third are truly happy. That equates to just 17% of the married couples being truly happy.
The math is sketchy, but I believe the observation is correct. Beyond the 50% divorce rate, a majority of marriages and relationships are not thriving–a direct result of the traditional advice and the progression of the traditional dating process.
I have personally done both. Slow and steady, lots of work, unhappily married 22 years and divorced. Then, discovered natural affinity, engaged in two months, together 5 years. No adapting, no arguments, no awareness or willingness, just happy, wonderful, easy, naturally deep love.
I’ll take the latter any day of the week and twice on Sunday 🙂
The slow and steady approach to dating comes from meeting people who are different than you are at the core. Of course, it takes time to get to know them.
The problem is that time is against you. The time it takes to get to know that potential mate is also the same time in which you learn to adapt to the differences between you. Remember, we marry because of our similarities, but divorce because of our differences. When, over a long courtship, we learn to adapt to the differences, we bake into the foundation of the relationship the very mismatches that will later cause unhappiness and divorce. That’s the fatal flaw in the traditional relationship! You’re told that differences are normal, but those same differences cause the eventual breakup.
Slow and steady is another of those 50 years old ideals that has given us our 50% divorce rate.
Searching for someone who is just like you deep inside will provide a different outcome. Natural affinity is quick, easy to spot, and creates a relational bond that does not depend on partners working to please each other. The pleasing just happens naturally, which is the way a relationship should be.