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Are you going on a date tonight? If so, do you know what to look for? How will you know if you’ve met The One or not? Are you dating with a plan, a set of distinct elements to look for, or are you just rolling with the experience, hoping you’ll know when you find it?
These are important questions. How do you think you’re going to find an incredible relationship if you don’t even know what to look for? You could meet Mr. Fantastic, or Ms. Attila The Honey, and not be able to know the difference. That’s a pretty scary thought!
A First Date’s Purpose
If we’re going to talk about effective dating, then maybe we best start by discussing the purpose of a first date. Between getting seated at the table and when the check arrives, what are you hoping to accomplish? You might say, I guess I’m looking for attraction—I should be attracted to my date. And chemistry. Yes, seeing if people have any chemistry is a good reason to meet. And maybe during the evening we’ll figure out what we have in common. If there is some attraction, chemistry and common ground, then that’s probably a really good first date.
Attraction, chemistry and matching are the typical dating goal and on the surface they seem to make sense. Daters need that in-person experience to determine if they like each other. The big question: Is chemistry, attraction and matching the right thing to be looking for? It might be the typical criteria for a date, but is it the right one? To answer that question, we have to look at where relationships that start with chemistry, attraction, and matching end up. I’m not just talking about in a couple of weeks or months. I want to know what happens years–decades–down the line. There’s a really long-winded dissertation to this question, but I’ll try to keep it short.
Chemistry and Attraction
Chemistry and attraction cause the butterflies to fly. When you experience those feelings, you might believe that you’ve potentially met the right one for you…and part of that is true. A couple needs chemistry and attraction as a component of a viable relationship, but the trouble begins if chemistry and attraction are at the core of the relationship.
Imagine two people meeting, we’ll call them Mr. Oil and Ms. Vinegar. They meet and boy are they attracted to one another. Somewhere during the date they get some nice sparks flying. Chemistry is working for them. They do a little comparison to see what they have in common. They both are liquidy, a little oily, they both love glass bottles and they both go good over salad. Hey, they have quite a lot in common!
Their relationship takes off with a lot of high energy excitement. Mr. Oil and Ms. Vinegar really shake it up and find they blend together really well. Yeah, they have a few differences, but those are largely ignored because everything seems to be working so well. They get engaged, then married…and then life begins to settle down. They aren’t shaking the bottle quite as hard, and you know what–the oil and vinegar begin to separate. They find that maybe they aren’t as well matched as they thought, so they need to work at their relationship to keep it really well blended. No problem. Relationships are supposed to be work, right?
But later, after decades of working to keep their relationship blended, they just get tired. They don’t really want to work on the mismatches that were masked by the initial chemistry and attraction. Pretty soon, they stop working–they stop shaking–and then Mr. Oil and Ms. Vinegar fully separate. And it’s no big surprise. It happens to half the couples!
Mr. Oil and Ms. Vinegar’s problem started way back at the first date. Actually, it started before the first date, but that’s a different TroyTalk. Instead of the first date being about discovering chemistry and attraction, it should have been about discovering if they shared a deep connection. Notice I didn’t say build a deep connection, I mean that the only purpose of a first date should be to discover if the daters already share a deep connection. The first date is the vehicle for uncovering that connection.
Chemistry and attraction are biological, and those matching-in-common elements are usually superficial. Biology and superficiality are not good indicators of long-term love.
Existing Connection – The Only First Date Goal
Connection, however, comes from sharing the same heart and the same soul. It’s about connecting at the deepest levels. The Mirror Effect says that when people share the same heart and soul and mind–that is to say when two people are extremely alike–that likeness provides deep, profound, peaceful, grounded connection. Notice that there’s no biology in that description.
There’s no superficial matching. Instead I’m talking about two people who are not oil and vinegar, but both are water. A deep natural sameness and affinity. Both being water, they share the same deep dreams and thoughts and perspectives and longings which leads to a deep connection–a deep, lasting love bond. Because nothing is being masked by biology, it’s easy to see whatever differences exist, so it’s much easier to decide whether this is the right person for you.
So when you’re on your date, remember to look for deep peaceful connection. Connection is Step 3 of the 6 Steps To Finding Your Magical Match Using Online Dating. The trick to finding that person who already shares that connection with you is to Follow Step 1: Mirror Profile and Step 2: Filter. See The Gettysburg Address of Relationships: Do You Have A Real Dating Plan for insights into Step 1 and Step 2.
After divorcing from a 22 year traditional relationship of compromise, friction, and work, Troy discovered the Mirror Effect on a first date. The discovery had such a profound impact that it completely changed his views on dating and relationships.
Using the Mirror Effect, when Troy found Judy, their connection was so strong that they fell in love on their first date and were engaged in two months. Together now for five years, they share a deep love relationship of ease and harmony without the work.
Together with Team MM, Troy and Judy work to put people on a path to deep love that doesn’t lead to a 50% divorce rate. Their book, The Mirror Effect: More Than Soul Mates (6 Steps To Finding Your Magical Match Using Online Dating) rebuilds dating and relationships from the ground up to provide a dating and relationship progression that results in the deep, harmonious, frictionless relationships that people are looking for today. Their online dating and relationship website, Magical Matches, is designed to fully integrate the Mirror Effect and the 6 Steps.
Troy’s email box is always open! He enthusiastically encourages you to reach out with your questions or comments. firstname.lastname@example.org.